We can't find it....anywhere. It's an old photo of Clayton in full opera and theater mode, both in makeup and in regalia. His role? Rasputin, if I remember correctly.
Kinda scary, really. He had that "look" in his eyes --- somewhere between sanity and insanity, between madness and clarity. Oh, the expression. The makeup. The character.
We've looked for it. Faye can't find it. Belva can't find it. I haven't found it....yet. It has to be somewhere. That's not one we'd throw away. But where is it? Where IS IT?
In the meantime, the image below will have to do. It comes the closest to anything I've ever seen as being representative of that specific character he threw himself wholeheartedly into. Take away the mask, and voila!
The text of the image is also illustrative of the enigma that Clayton was, because, you see, Clayton was, in fact, an enigma.
He was an artist. He was a musician extraordinaire. He was an opera singer. He was a classical pianist. He played drums. He played oboe. He played coronet, or, as some call it, trumpet. He was a balloon sculpture creator. He was a business owner. All these things were Clayton after he finally found his own peace in knowing who he was. Before that, he was stressed. Multi-faceted, multi-talented? Yep. But also very stressed, especially in his youth.
Prior to his own realization of self-awareness, he struggled with coming to know himself. Many of his early years were spent questioning why he didn't seem to, wondering how to, and trying to...fit in. He struggled to come to a level of self-understanding and self-acceptance that he could live with. That struggle included trying to gain those same levels within the numerous communities he ultimately wound up living in.
He chose his path. He knew "what" he wanted. He was determined to get there somehow, self-doubts be damned! It was in his own personal life that he wavered, that he faltered, that he just wasn't sure of. But I digress....
Clayton had his ups and downs even after getting to know who he was. For many years, he struggled in the community of those trying to make it in opera. The competition was fierce. The demands he had to place on himself seemed pretty insurmountable to those of us on the outside looking in. His quest could actually be likened to anyone setting off to Hollywood to become a movie star. Many do so. Few actually make it. That's how it is in the music industry, as well, including opera.
He was right on the cusp of making it into the "Bigs" in opera and theater when he developed nodules on his vocal chords. It was devastating for him. It was also career ending...at least in the field of opera. He had his run, though.
Theater may have been another avenue, but it seemed like the two, opera and theater, were inextricably intertwined. He knew this to be true. He accepted it. He moved forward with his life in another direction.
He resignedly gave up his dream of making it big in opera to pursue those other venues. He told us it would just be too difficult and it would take way too long for him to go through the process of retraining his vocal chords to the level he'd reached before and that would be required of him to, once again, chase his dream.
Ultimately, his innate artistic and creative abilities would manifest, once again, and his balloon creation business would kind of blossom (no pun intended).
In the beginning:
I shared the photo above on Facebook one year ago. Older Clayton wouldn't have been embarrassed by this....not in the least. He took great pleasure in being flamboyant (think Rasputin), sometimes almost to a fault. Not in high school, but in his later years, Clayton became the person he always was. Does that make any sense?
Yup! Those photos above are pre-siblings. The world was Clayton's oyster for almost exactly two full years....that is, until I came along to spoil everything for him.
Mom once said Clayton wasn't like other kids. As he got older, he showed little interest in outside activities. We all attributed that to his allergies. He had them bad, and it was sometimes abject misery for him to be outside during allergy season. He couldn't mow the lawn. He couldn't work on the farm. There were lots of things he couldn't do. So, he focused on lots of things he COULD do.
But there was more to it than that. He wasn't athletic...not at all. Even when we'd get together with neighborhood kids to play baseball, football, basketball, even tag, kick the can, or whatever, Clayton just did not have it - athletics simply were not his forte'. That's not a criticism. It's a reality, and he knew it.
In the end, though, his talents served him well. In fact, how many folks out there who happen to be my age are still active in sports like basketball, football, or baseball? I know I'm not.
Clayton's talents, on the other hand, lasted him a lifetime --- his lifetime. He'd be doing those things today if he were still with us to do them.
Mom also talked about how Clayton enjoyed being in the kitchen with her, of how creative he was in cooking up his concoctions.
I remember his pancakes....green pancakes. There were a LOT of other creations he came up with out of food, but green pancakes are what I remember most.
Mom loved music, and she was determined to instill that love of music in all of us. Clayton was enrolled in piano lessons at a very early age. Unlike someone else (bet you can't guess who this might be), he was drawn into what he could do, the sounds he could make, the melodies he played on that piano.
His practice sessions were something to behold. When things went right they were very, very right. When things went wrong, I'm still amazed that piano survived (Faye still has it and, yes, it still works beautifully although I'm not sure when the last time was that she had it tuned). It's not that he would beat the piano, but those keys on which his palms came down if he missed a note sure did suffer some, by George!
As time went on and Clayton "honed" his abilities, his talents took him to state competitions in music. His vocals were especially recognized with award after award.
His senior year in high school, his efforts were also recognized at the award ceremony at New Leipzig High School at the end of the school year. This one was special...very special. The reason? State music competitions weren't akin to state athletic competitions in my home town. They didn't get as much attention. There wasn't nearly as much hoopla or enthusiasm at music competitions. At least there wasn't until that award ceremony, at that moment in time, on that stage, in a very small town auditorium. At that moment, on that stage my big brother was getting his moment in the sun. He was being recognized for his talent and for his achievements.
As Clayton was receiving his award, it seemed to me like the audience was reacting differently than they did for the athletic awards. Somehow, this recognition of his abilities in music appreciation went beyond the "normal" reaction so many were used to as athletic awards were given out. It was just...different, better somehow.
At one point, Rex Sayler, a friend one year younger than me and sitting a few seats down the row from me, turned and gave a thumbs up gesture as Clayton walked across the stage to receive his award. It was at that point I think I finally came to the realization that this was my big brother, that he had talent, and that that talent was something else...an innate gift that few among us would ever have or experience ourselves.
I remember to this day it hit me hard that there were other things in life besides Sports. That's something I had focused on and I had tried to kind of force on my brother as well. It wasn't him. It wasn't who he was. He was his own person with his own likes and dislikes, with his own talents, with his own individuality. And, it wasn't really until Rex did what he did during that awards ceremony that I really began to appreciate who my older brother really was.
He...was...amazing!
